Post Apocalyptic Royston Vasey
by elven-emma
Summary: As the name suggests this is the League of Gentlemen after the brush with the end of the world. Now that the writers are dead the world is their own however one writer survived...
1. An introduction

AN: Firstly all characters (until I invent a few of my own) belong to the League of Gentlemen and the Gents belong to themselves. Warning, if you haven't seen the film, you read at your own risk there are some spoilers. Also try to spot all of the references I make I will be referring to the TV show, the film and the live show.

Post Apocalyptic Royston Vasey

Jeremy Dyson put down the phone. It was going beyond a joke, he was sick of hearing that same bloody answer phone message. It wasn't just Steve either; it was all three of them. All disappeared. Maybe it was just their idea of a joke or maybe they'd gone on a spontaneous holiday, they had sounded tired and worn out last time they'd seen each other. Yeah that had to be it. They'd gone on holiday. Without him.

Well since they'd left him alone to his own devices he could work on the script that he'd wanted to work on.

"_The characters wake up one morning…and they've got tails! Tails, yeah you know animal's tails like dogs, monkeys, pigs. You know big bushy ones, squiggly ones, swishy ones, bob tail ones, ones that poke over the tops of their heads…"_

He went back to his computer. The others may have been sick of Royston Vasey but he certainly wasn't. Now where was he…?

……………………………..

Chinnery inspected the Rabbit. It seemed to be in perfect health. He still couldn't believe it. Maybe Bernice had been right. Maybe there really wasn't such a thing as a curse. Since he'd found this rabbit, on that strange day, he had expected the rabbit to come down with some mysterious illness but it was fine, perfectly fine.

He put the rabbit on the ground to let it run around the room to give it some exercise. It was pouring down outside and he didn't want it to come down with a cold. Chinnery sat down on to his sofa but sprang back up again when he felt himself sit on something strange. As he jumped forwards he heard a squeak and lifted his foot to see his poor rabbit on its side, breathing wheezy breaths. Chinnery felt tears prick his eyes he checked the rabbit, luckily it would be ok, but for how long? He looked at the sofa to find what it was he had sat on, still holding the rabbit in his arms. There was nothing there.

He made to sit down again and once again felt himself sit on something. He reached around to feel behind him. His fingers touched something soft…and fluffy. Almost screaming he ran to a mirror. He tried to look behind him, twisting his back awkwardly and saw it. A tail. A Rabbit's tail that matched the one on the end of the animal he held in one arm.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: the characters belong to the gents blah blah blah

Post Apocalyptic Royston Vasey – part 2

Geoff hurried down the street, he was late for work, but he stopped when something caught his eye. The Butcher's shop was no longer boarded up. There was even a light on inside. Geoff pressed his nose up against the glass in an attempt to see better. There was nothing in the shop, everything was empty. But there was definitely someone in there. He tried the door, it was open.

He stepped inside and walked through to the doorway. As he went through the plastic flaps that intended to keep flies out someone grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against a wall. Geoff gave a high pitched scream. He almost began weeping with fear when he saw the face that looked down on him.

"What's going on?" asked the man that faced him, "It's all so confusing!" he sounded as if he should have been scared but his voice remained angry. "I shouldn't be here! Geoff?"

"Err…nice to see you again Hilary." said Geoff, trying to keep himself calm, which was always hard.

"The last thing I remember I was being killed after fighting that…"

"An homunculus?" Geoff suggested.

"Yes. I was dead Geoff, dead! Now I've come back to life!"

"Now…don't be daft."

"I have and I don't understand it." Briss took his hands away. They were shaking and Geoff wasn't sure whether it was from rage or fear. His hands moved to behind his back. Geoff yelped and jumped forwards as something pushed him away from the wall.

"Argh! What's that? It feels like someone's trying to bum me!" Geoff's hands moved behind his back and felt it, a large bushy tail. Hillary had one of his own, a long thin, swishy one with a pointed end. Now he looked more like the devil than ever.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" said Hilary once again grabbing Geoff's collar.

……………

The two both stepped out on to the street. There was no one else there, was this just happening to them?

"Why do I end up with the fluffy one? Yours is better." Complained Geoff as if Hilary had chosen who got which.

"Listen," said Hilary threateningly "I'd rather it was no tail at all. I'm going back inside, no one can see me. If people find out I'm still alive they'll want me killed again. You go and find out if anyone else has one, try and find out what in the bleeding hell is going on." Hilary returned to the shop, slamming the door behind him.

Geoff shoved his hands in to his pockets and began walking down the road again. Why did it have to be him? He wished he could have had a less… girly tail. And how come Hilary was alive again? It was as if that apocalypse hadn't happened. As if the writers had never died.

……………….

People were banging on his door, a whole crowd of them. Chinnery didn't know what to do. They thought that perhaps he could do something to help. But he didn't know anything about it. It was like an epidemic, like when half the town had nosebleeds. Everyone in the town had suddenly grown a tail and he couldn't think of an explanation. He doubted it would be because of something they ate. This just defied all logic.

All he could think to do was to ask Bernice. She had known about that other world and about the end of theirs. If anyone would know she would, but how to get out without anyone seeing him? He'd have to leave through the back way.

Chinnery hurried outside in to his garden and ran towards the fence. He stopped in his tracks when he stepped on something. Oh no, he'd done it again. He picked up the poor animal. The rabbit was limp. Sadly he stroked it and placed it in its hutch. He began to run again trying not to cry. As he went through the gate he bumped in to someone.

"Chinnery!" exclaimed Geoff. "Err what…you doing here?"

"I live here." replied Chinnery. Geoff leaned to his right slightly, he couldn't see a tail on Chinnery anywhere. "Ah I see it's happened to you too."

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Geoff, instantly offended.

"I mean you have a tail."

"Yeah well I see you don't have one." said Geoff, annoyed.

"I do." replied Chinnery, who turned to show Geoff his short fluffy tail. Geoff smirked. Chinnery's was more girly than his. "I'm going to see Bernice; she might know something about this."

"Right then I'll come with you. Hilary sent me to find out." Chinnery made to leave then stopped in his tracks. Surely he didn't mean… It couldn't be…Chinnery forced himself to keep moving.

"Do you mean…Hilary Briss.?" he said, worried about the answer.

"Yeah,"

"But he's dead."

"I know, I know, but not now he's not." Geoff began to wonder if this tail thing was happening to everyone else.

……………………

Tish looked at herself in front of the mirror whilst she talked on the phone. "I know it's weird isn't it? Even stranger than that guy we met in that market who was selling all those crystals and shit. I like it though; the orange goes with that floppy hat I bought. Oh didn't I tell you? Yeah I bought it yesterday, I love it so much. I'm sure I sent you a text about it." Tish began twirling her hair, comparing its colour to the colour of the fur on her new tail. "You didn't! Really? Oh I wish I was gay you can all sleep with each other and there's no consequences, though all this talk about tails must be confusing you." at that moment she gave a high pitched giggle.

……………………..

Pauline's lips quivered as the room filled with laughter. She should have thought twice about saying "hokey cokey pig in a pokey." It just seemed to slip out these days and as did her tail as she came down the stairs, a curly pink tail. She didn't like losing control. She'd have to do something.

"Yes very funny. But we're not at school any more, you're working men now. Oh wait no. You're not are you?" The familiar depression came down upon the men again. "This isn't a joke. So stop laughing you useless dole scum! You laugh at my tail and I cut yours off!" Pauline held up a pair of scissors that she kept in her pen box. All laughter had stopped. "Now I don't know what's going on. But we'll ignore these stupid tails and get on with our course." She looked down at an empty chair. "Where's Mickey?" she demanded. Someone pointed to the window. Pauline walked up to the window and looked outside. "Mickey! Get back in here and stopped chasing your flippin' tail you monkey!"

………………………

Jeremy read over what he'd written and gave the occasional laugh. This proved that there was still plenty of life in the characters yet. After reading he stared at the screen, sipping his tea. How could he get Hilary Briss back from the Caribbean? Hmm maybe he could just have him running back to the town, or just have him take down the boards covering the shop front, he didn't need an explanation.

He also needed a way to bring the others back. How could he bring them back from the dead? How could he undo them being run over by a train? How on earth, could he bring back Tubbs and Edward?


	3. Chapter 3

AN: 

Post Apocalyptic Royston Vasey – part 3

The man stepped in to the gloomy shop. He pushed his glasses further up his nose with one finger as he looked at the snow globes. The shop had been rebuilt or at least the parts that had been burned down. Strangely though, everything on the shelves had remained intact.

Suddenly the shop was filled with a brilliant light and the man had to shield his eyes. He looked up and fell backwards in surprise at what he saw. Two figures floated down through the light. He was sure he saw white feathered wings on their backs. When their feet touched the ground the light and their wings vanished.

"Are we still dead Edward?"

"No Tubbs…I think we're alive now."

"Look Edward!" Tubbs pointed her finger at the man on the floor. "A no-tail!" The man was in fact absent of any tails unlike Tubbs and Edward who each had a large bushy, grey tail behind them.

"You know what that means don't you Tubbs?"

"A bride for David?" offered Tubs hopefully.

"No, no." laughed Edward. "It means he's not local!" Tubbs gasped and Edward's voice became more menacing. "And this is a local shop for local people so he's not welcome here." The man scrabbled at the door, opened it and ran away.

"Edward he's getting away!" cried Tubbs. Edward walked behind the counter to find his crossbow.

"Don't worry Tubbs…he won't get far!" Edward gleefully ran from the shop and Tubbs followed, clapping her hands with joy.

………………..

Jeremy sipped his tea. He had switched his computer screen for a blank TV screen instead. He was too annoyed and worried to write. Even bringing back Tubbs and Edward hadn't helped the creeping feeling that something was very wrong. He still hadn't heard from the others. None of them were answering their phones. None of them had even visited him in hospital and none of them had gone to that charity thing. Something had happened to them but what could he do about it? He could go looking for them but where would he start?

Jeremy sighed and switched on the TV. His eyes began to droop and soon the sound of Trisha faded as he began to sleep.

……………….

The church was completely void of people, there was no one there. Beams of coloured sunlight hit the ground as the light went through the stain glass windows. There was peaceful silence but it was soon interrupted by a man who entered the church and slumped down on one of the benches. A tear trickled down his cheek and on to his disfigured lip. He began to sob.

The peacefulness was once again interrupted as Geoff Tipp's opened the wooden door. He opened it with such a force that it banged against the wall loudly. Behind him Chinnery flinched at the sound.

"Hello? Anyone 'ere?" Shouted Geoff. Chinnery looked around and patted Geoff's arm when he saw the man, sobbing. Geoff began to approach him cautiously. He could see a scaly tail curled around the man's feet. As he moved around to see his face he instantly recognised him.

"Herr Lipp?"

"Yes it is me." He replied, sounding quite depressed. "I did not know where else to put myself."

"Are you ok?" asked Chinnery. Geoff began to move from one foot to the other, feeling uncomfortable with talking to a crying man.

"The children, they are gone." Answered Lipp, "The last time I saw them was when I lay them down and sang to them. The morning after they were gone and I didn't know what to do. There was no trace of them." Herr Lipp looked up at the other two. "Everything is going back to how they were before."

"I know what you mean. Poor Thumper," said Chinnery, looking like he might start crying too. Geoff began to feel even more uncomfortable. He stuffed his hands in to his pockets and he frowned when he found something. He pulled it out and Herr Lipp and Chinnery both moved back from him.

"My, that's a big one," whispered Herr Lipp. Geoff held in his hand a black gun.

"I thought I'd thrown this away," said Geoff, "Everything really is going back to how it was." Geoff put the gun back and began to walk around the church. Bernice must be here somewhere.

Geoff opened the curtain of the confessional box and frowned at the boxes upon boxes of embassy cigarettes.

"Oy hands off I'm keeping them for a friend!" Bernice, who had appeared from nowhere, grabbed the curtain from Geoff and thrust it shut again.

"Now, what are you lot doing round here? I hope you're not all here to confess, I don't think anyone would fit in there with all them boxes."

"No, you don't understand," said Chinnery. "We came here to ask you what's going on. I mean we all grew tails over night,"

"My gun came back," said Geoff

"The children are gone," sobbed Herr Lipp

"And my rabbit's been killed," cried Chinnery.

"God I feel like I'm in a nursery. Will you stop moaning? I'm sick of people coming here to cry at me. 'Oh vicar I had a dirty thought,' 'Vicar I said a swear word' 'Vicar I killed my husband' I don't want to listen to the annoying sods." Bernice sighed and no one dared to say anything to her. "But I must say it is odd. I mean I don't want this bloody thing sticking out." She showed them her very dog like tail. "Everything was all right when we killed that writer. I mean when Geoff killed him."

"I thought the safety was on!" complained Geoff. Bernice ignored him and carried on.

"If everything's going back to how it was then one of the writers must still be alive."

"Then we'll kill him." Everyone looked at each other to see who had said this statement. Standing in the doorway was Hilary Briss. Everyone except Bernice seemed to cower in his presence. "We saw three of them die so it must be the fourth."

"But we sent a group to bring him here and they killed him by accident," said Bernice.

"Blimey that was fast," said Geoff, smiling.

"You idiot she meant the last time," snarled Briss.

"So who pulled him off on the cliff?" asked Herr Lipp.

"He was pushed," said Bernice, "By Tubbs and Edward Tattsyrup. Helped by…" Bernice couldn't bring herself to say his name.

"Papa Lazarou," said Briss, remembering the time when they met him in Hadfield, the place that had such a resemblance to Royston Vasey. "But he's not here, the circus left town ages ago."

"Then that leaves the other two," said Chinnery, "We should ask them what happened."

"Yes we should all go and find them," agreed Herr Lipp. Geoff nodded in agreement.

"No we don't have to…" began Briss but he was interrupted by Bernice.

"Glad we're agreed, now get out of here."

Within seconds they were assembled outside. Chinnery, Herr Lipp and Geoff began walking. Hilary Briss thought it was a waste of time. All they had to do was kill the other writer. All they had to do was find Jeremy Dyson. Hilary reluctantly followed the others.

"Hang on," said Geoff, "Didn't the local shop burn down?"


End file.
